If Only
by TheMissingBananaSock
Summary: Maybe if she closed her eyes, she would forget everything. Maybe when she'll open them again, it would all turn out to be just a dream. But it wasn't a dream. If only it was. If only she could've said goodbye. AN: I know this has been a done a lot of times, but this is sort of my interpretation of Susan's reaction to the train crash. I hope you enjoy! :)


**Haallo. This is my first ever one-shot. I have to be honest with you in this one though. I had no idea if I wanted this to be just a somber telling or something emotional. I was just writing some stuff and this came out. I don't think this is my best work, but I hope you like it! Of course, reviews are always welcome! :D Enjoy! Oh, and I don't own Narnia.**

 **\- TheMissingBananaSock**

 **Note: Italics are flashback/past thingy.**

 _Susan had just gotten home, dropped off by her date, Martin, after a goodbye kiss. She was still smiling when she heard the phone ringing, and answered it, thinking nothing about what the person on the other line would say, her thoughts still on Martin and their potential of becoming something more._

 _"_ _Miss Susan Pevensie?" the person who called her asked in a gruff voice._

 _"_ _Speaking" Susan answered, checking her new nail polish and realizing with disdain, that one nail had not been fully painted red, ruining the whole look._

 _She did not at all expect what the person would say next._

 _"_ _I regret to inform you that Mr. Lewis and Mrs. Helen Pevensie, along with Peter, Edmund and Lucy Pevensie were involved in the train crash this morning" the man's voice barely showed any sympathy or worry, only possessing a cold professionalism._

 _Susan's mind went blank as soon as she heard those words. She could barely understand what the man said next. Slowly, Susan sank down onto the floor, still holding the phone. This has to be a hoax, she thought._

 _"_ _Miss Pevensie?" the voice interrupted her tumbling thoughts. "Can you be at the train station as soon as possible?"_

 _Susan made sure that her voice sounded perfectly normal, even if all she wanted was to break down. "Yes, yes. I shall be there, thank you"_

 _All thoughts about Martin were gone now, as she hurriedly grabbed her coat and ran out of the house. In her frazzled state, she had forgotten about calling a cab, and instead almost ran to the station._

 _The situation in the train station was not at all comforting – of course, how could it be? People were huddled in groups, talking or crying, whilst others hurriedly searched for loved ones as rescue works hurried to get more people out from the wreckage – dead or alive._

 _"_ _Can I help you, Miss?" a police officer had noticed Susan as she stood there, looking at the scene._

 _Susan nodded, trying to keep her calm even though she wanted to break down like others were doing too. "I received a call. My – my parents and my siblings" she tried to swallow down a sob as she continued, "They were riding the train"_

 _The police officer nodded, looking a bit more sympathetic than the caller had been. "Come with me, Miss. We have laid the wounded and the dead in a few rooms"_

 _Susan followed the officer silently. She could remember vividly the time when she and her brothers and sister were here and had gotten swept into another game of Narnia. That was what it was, wasn't it? A game? Susan could not understand why Peter, Edmund and Lucy continued to believe that they were real. It had all just been one silly little game. Maybe this is a game, Susan thought wildly._

 _But of course it wasn't._

 _She stopped when the officer opened the door to a room where nurses and doctors rushed around. Susan walked around the room, noticing a man with glass all over his face and a little girl whose arms were covered in gashes. At every makeshift trundle, she hoped that it was either her mother or father, or one of her siblings. Her hope faded and her dread grew at every step forward. Once she was sure that none of her relatives were in the room, she slowly walked out, already expecting the worst._

 _The officer looked sorry but he only nodded and led her to another room._

 _Susan stopped at the doorway. Her legs seemed to have frozen in place. She simply did not want to face the possibility that her family – all of them, were dead._

 _"_ _Miss?" the officer said again._

 _Susan shook her head and entered the room._

 _She did not have to look far for her parents. There they were, lying down side by side by the doorway. Except for their bruises, gashing wounds and all the blood, they looked peaceful._

 _"_ _My parents" Susan said quietly to the officer, who nodded and wrote down the body numbers of Mr. and Mrs. Pevensie on the piece of paper, now that they were claimed._

 _She just wanted to curl up into a ball now, and cry until there were no more tears left, but she forced herself to go on._

 _As she passed by the fallen victims, she noticed a particular lion pendant on the chest of one girl. The former color of her dress was almost unrecognizable, stained with so much blood. Susan knelt and touched the lion pendant, turning it around. "LP"_

 _Lucy Pevensie._

 _This was when Susan broke down, crying. It was almost impossible for Lucy – bright, shining Lucy, filled with life at almost every moment – to be dead. She gently took the pendant off her sister and held it to her chest, not caring that it was blood-splattered. She only cared of the fact that her sister, sweet little Lucy was dead._

 _Finally able to get some of her composure back, Susan stood up, tears running silently down her face. She found mousy Jill Pole, her cousin's best friend a few paces away. Susan knew that her parents were going to come soon, and bypassed the body, but still feeling her heart get wrenched._

 _Edmund was at the end of the first row. Susan immediately recognized that dark mess of hair, now crusted with blood. She knelt down next to him too, and kissed his forehead gently. Even though they had disagreed often, Edmund was the only one who understood Susan when she wanted those certain quiet moments of hers._

 _There was only one body left._

 _Peter lay with his eyes closed, his face almost angelic, except for the fact that his head had been almost decapitated due to impact with what could have been an incredibly sharp object. Susan started sobbing again._

 _She still had a tiny bit of hope that maybe one of them had survived, even though she had not founded them with the wounded. Maybe they had come off with only minor wounds and were allowed to leave and had gotten home safely. Yet Susan knew that this was a foolish hope. With the force of the crash, no one could have sustained anything less than major wounds._

 _Susan's legs gave way and she was crumpled into a heap in front of Peter, crying. The only thought going through her head was No, No, No. If Aslan – as her siblings believed – was a merciful and giving Lion, then why did he allow this – this terrible thing to happen? How could he pluck all of her family away in one single taking? Susan's sobs grew louder at every passing second as she fully realized her situation._

 _She was alone._

The funeral service was held in a church, prepared by her Aunt Alberta and Uncle Harold. Susan could've cared less where it was held. She was angry at every deity out there – why did they allow this? What did her family do to have this – this horrible death?

She wanted to cry, oh yes she did. Crying would have been an outlet for her. But all her tears were already spent.

She stared at the seven coffins holding her parents, Peter, Edmund, Lucy and Eustace, blankly. Her grief was already well past the point of tears.

Maybe if she closed her eyes, she would forget everything. Maybe when she'll open them again, it would all turn out to be just a dream.

But no, nothing could make her forget it. Nothing could ease the pain.

Susan wished she had not argued with her siblings before she left – she wished that she had kissed and hugged them and warned them off about going on trains. She wished she had taken the time to tell all of them that she had loved them, instead of quickly dashing out of the house once Martin had arrived.

If this was just a dream, she wanted to wake up _now._ But it wasn't.

But she so wanted it to be.

If only it was just a dream.


End file.
